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Monday, August 20, 2012

"You'll Just Have to Trust Me"

Have you ever heard anyone say this phrase, “you’ll just have to trust me”? Have you said it yourself? I have seen in used in countless books, movies, and television shows and it seems that it is most commonly used within a marriage with one spouse asserting it to the other. This statement has always bothered me. Why should I just have to trust my wife? Why should she just have to trust me? While I do not deny that there MAY be a justifiable situation in which this phrase would be appropriate to employ I believe it is used far, far too often.

Think about the phrase. Really spend a minute taking it apart and analyzing it looking for the message it conveys. What its saying is: “there was a situation that I was a part of that appears to be incongruent with how I should act as your spouse/as a human being but it isn’t like it looks.” Did you put yourself in that situation? For example, shortly after my wife and I were wed one of my friends needed a ride and asked if I could give her one. I agreed glad to help a friend. I dropped her off and headed home. When I arrived my wife would barely speak to me. I was thoroughly confused. I could tell she was angry but, as is common among husbands, did not know why. After a few minutes and persistent effort she divulged that a friend of hers saw me in the car with another woman. Cami trusted me but was upset that I one of her friends would think that I was being unfaithful to her. She quoted the Bible and told me to “avoid the appearance of evil.” This is great advice. Thankfully I was able to explain what had actually happened and she believed me but it could have just as easily gone the other way. I might have had to use the phrase “you’ll just have to trust me.” Heaven forbid. Literally.

My personal philosophy and practice changed that day. I committed to myself and to her that I would never be in a situation where I would need to rely on her trust in me. I want to give her reasons TO trust me, not doubts about whether she SHOULD trust me. Trust is one of the pillars of love and marriage. Without it, no marriage can be truly happy and without trust it is impossible to cultivate uplifting love.

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